LEVI'S OFFICIAL GUIDE TO HORROR MOVIES
if you're dead, you probably didn't read this

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--> WARNING:
Not to be taken literally. Death may actually occur.

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I. The "Get Your Ass Outta There" Theory
The killer bursts into the house. The victim screams and goes running up the stairs. They proceed to lock themselves in a bedroom. The victim inevitably ends up dead. Why is this? Because limiting yourself to one room is the worst thing you could possibly do when being chased by a killer. There's nowhere to go, and very rarely something to fight back with. Solution? Use the back door, smartass. And if there's a second killer there, jump out of a window. A first story window. Even worse than being stuck in a room is being stuck in a second story room, jumping out the window, breaking your legs and dying anyway.

II. The "Play Dead" Theory
My favourite horror series has always been the classic Friday the 13th. While watching Part IV, I noticed the woman who had jumped from a second story window (I repeat: bad idea to begin with) was rendered temporarily safe from Jason. He watched for signs of life, and made no hostile motions until she moved. After which, he promptly made to kill her. POINT. There is no triumph in killing what is already dead. If the killer thinks you're dead, use it to your advantage. Don't move. Don't speak. If the killer is anything like a bear, he may push you around a little to get you up. Don't fall for it! Remain perfectly still. Once the killer is out of sight, quietly get up and run away.

III. The "Make-Up" Theory
If there are previous victims laying about, use them! Get their blood on you. Rip your clothes. If you're not a pussy, actually cut yourself. Then refer back to Theory II and play dead. Most serial killers are too busy to notice they never actually killed you.

IV. The "Stay in Well-Lit Areas" Theory
The only thing scarier than a crazy man is a crazy man you can't see. Keep the lights on! No murderer has ever been fooled by no lights on in the house. If you happen to be outside, get to a lit area. The exception to this theory is if you're in the woods or something. In this case, climb a tree and hope your killer doesn't look up.

V. The "Keep Your Enemies Close" Theory
And I don't mean enemies as in the killer chasing you. Keep a few people you don't like around at all times. In the event of a murderer ambush, use them as a decoy. While the psycho is happily hacking away at your enemies, you can slip away unnoticed. It may seem harsh, but when it comes down to you or that bitch with the fake accent who would you rather see alive at the end? Yeah. I thought so.

VI. The "Be Cynical" Theory
It is to my knowledge that many murderers use fear as a primary weapon. And why not? Fear causes panic, and panicked persons are easy to kill because they're not thinking rationally. The ideal solution would be to eliminate fear as an emotion altogether. Lacking that, laugh at them. Finding humour in your inevitable demise will confuse the enemy. Get them really worked up. Ask for an autograph. Offer a hug. Once properly stunned, stare at the killer, then walk away. Unless your killer happens to be a walking corpse (and therefore unable to register your actions), he should be too confused to bother with you.

VII. The "Have Sex in Moderation, But Keep It Private" Theory
A common conception of horror movies is that anyone having sex will be murdered. This is false and, in fact, the simple notion may be killing more than a few people. Virgins die just as easily as anyone else. They get cocky in thinking they'll survive just because they haven't gone all the way, and then people sit around their mutilated corpse wondering "I wonder why they died?" While these are only theories, and therefore likely to be just as flawed as anyone else's opinions, here is what I believe: Movie monsters kill for a reason. Freddy killed children (virgins) for the pleasure of taking away something sweet. Jason killed teenagers (non-virgins) because they had too much sex, and that inevitably caused him to drown. The idea here is that sex is normal, and can actually relieve stress to help you think better, but don't get greedy with it. And don't get caught.

VIII. The "Don't Trust the Killer. Ever" Theory
I've noticed a theme throughout certain movies, wherein one character will try to befriend the killer in an attempt to be spared. Don't get me wrong. If you know for a fact that you can offer a murderer something good in exchange for keeping your life, by all means go for it. BUT. Always keep your guard up. Your usefulness could run out at any given moment. Be prepared to run at the first sign of betrayal. Serial killers (or bounty hunters; think Boba Fett) are notorious for going through many partners. Once your usefulness ends, don't try to re-negotiate. Just get the hell out.

IX. The "Keep Your Silence" Theory
This theory will keep you alive longer during and after your partnership with the killer. Never let anyone else in on your motives. Tell nothing to nobody. Even if he plans on killing you anyway, a killer needs to trust you. Even after you escape, never tell anybody. If your ex-partner now assumes you won't spill, it's less of a reason to continue hunting you down. Not to mention it looks great on yourself. No one ever knows you were once affiliated to a murderer, and you're the lone survivor. Can you say: national hero?

X. The "Every Man For Himself" Theory
Unfortunately, this theory, above all others, may be the one to really save your life. I know it must be terrible to see your friend die, but if you don't get out of there you'll be dead soon enough too. Never look back. Never go back for someone. Just keep running until you're positive you're safe. If your friend read this guide as well, she'll be standing right beside you anyway.